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All I Want For Christmas



All I want for Christmas is something that can't be bought...
All I want for Christmas is something that stores don't sell...
All I want for Christmas is something that can't be planned...
See all I want for Christmas is a Baby...

I know it sounds absolutely crazy, and the reality is I have thought about writing this post for sometime.  We have been "trying to conceive" since September of 2014.  After we got married in June of 2014 we enjoyed a few months of newlywed bliss, before the idea of growing our sweet family started stewing in our heads. In October of last year I thought for certain our first round of progesterone had worked, and that we would be expecting our own little addition. I waited those three wonderful minutes, and quickly discovered I was certainly not pregnant. 

Months went on, and on. The treatments continued, and I tried everything from acupuncture to eating everything under the sun that was supposed to help you get pregnant. The tears streamed monthly as that wonderful visitor showed up. The jealousy grew inside me when someone else I knew announced that they were pregnant. 

That was probably the worst, the jealousy. It was horrible; it was mixed with anger, sadness, self doubt, and a lack of trust in our sweet father. I never ever wanted this to become something that effected me that way, I never wanted this to be something that hurt my relationships with friends and family. 

Now to be completely honest, it's not over. The jealousy is still there...

But one day I realized it's not their babies I want, nor would I ever want to take their babies from them. I have had two women close to me lose their sweet babies before they ever had the chance to meet them, and that is something I would never wish upon anyone. See my jealousy is for my own baby, for my own bundle of joy. But I also love seeing the joy in others as they are able to celebrate in their growing family.

All I want for Christmas is something that can't be bought...
All I want for Christmas is something that stores don't sell...
All I want for Christmas is something that can't be planned...
See all I want for Christmas is a Baby...

After a year of not conceiving naturally, it brings us to this September. This September I finally decided to go to an infertility specialist here in Denver, we figured it was time to get some answers. After months of trying to get a good read on my hormones, and months of doctor visits we have our answers. 

I was diagnosed with PCOS, which in it of itself is not horrible. Lucky for me it does not show in my insulin levels or in my thyroid, it only shows in my lack of ovulation. Additionally upon that I have also a fallopian tube that is blocked with scar tissue from years of ovarian cyst. That seems to be causing the biggest issue, because with that comes the fact that I can only conceive from one side. 

So we pray, we trust that God has provided Dr. Ambler with the answers, and we know that his plan is our perfect plan. 

All I want for Christmas is something that can't be bought...
All I want for Christmas is something that stores don't sell...
All I want for Christmas is something that can't be planned...
See all I want for Christmas is a Baby...

This month we begin our first round of hormone treatments, and we pray that if it is in his will next year we will celebrate with our own little bug. 

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."Romans 5:3-5

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