Skip to main content

All I Want For Christmas



All I want for Christmas is something that can't be bought...
All I want for Christmas is something that stores don't sell...
All I want for Christmas is something that can't be planned...
See all I want for Christmas is a Baby...

I know it sounds absolutely crazy, and the reality is I have thought about writing this post for sometime.  We have been "trying to conceive" since September of 2014.  After we got married in June of 2014 we enjoyed a few months of newlywed bliss, before the idea of growing our sweet family started stewing in our heads. In October of last year I thought for certain our first round of progesterone had worked, and that we would be expecting our own little addition. I waited those three wonderful minutes, and quickly discovered I was certainly not pregnant. 

Months went on, and on. The treatments continued, and I tried everything from acupuncture to eating everything under the sun that was supposed to help you get pregnant. The tears streamed monthly as that wonderful visitor showed up. The jealousy grew inside me when someone else I knew announced that they were pregnant. 

That was probably the worst, the jealousy. It was horrible; it was mixed with anger, sadness, self doubt, and a lack of trust in our sweet father. I never ever wanted this to become something that effected me that way, I never wanted this to be something that hurt my relationships with friends and family. 

Now to be completely honest, it's not over. The jealousy is still there...

But one day I realized it's not their babies I want, nor would I ever want to take their babies from them. I have had two women close to me lose their sweet babies before they ever had the chance to meet them, and that is something I would never wish upon anyone. See my jealousy is for my own baby, for my own bundle of joy. But I also love seeing the joy in others as they are able to celebrate in their growing family.

All I want for Christmas is something that can't be bought...
All I want for Christmas is something that stores don't sell...
All I want for Christmas is something that can't be planned...
See all I want for Christmas is a Baby...

After a year of not conceiving naturally, it brings us to this September. This September I finally decided to go to an infertility specialist here in Denver, we figured it was time to get some answers. After months of trying to get a good read on my hormones, and months of doctor visits we have our answers. 

I was diagnosed with PCOS, which in it of itself is not horrible. Lucky for me it does not show in my insulin levels or in my thyroid, it only shows in my lack of ovulation. Additionally upon that I have also a fallopian tube that is blocked with scar tissue from years of ovarian cyst. That seems to be causing the biggest issue, because with that comes the fact that I can only conceive from one side. 

So we pray, we trust that God has provided Dr. Ambler with the answers, and we know that his plan is our perfect plan. 

All I want for Christmas is something that can't be bought...
All I want for Christmas is something that stores don't sell...
All I want for Christmas is something that can't be planned...
See all I want for Christmas is a Baby...

This month we begin our first round of hormone treatments, and we pray that if it is in his will next year we will celebrate with our own little bug. 

We can rejoice, too, when we run into problems and trials, for we know that they help us develop endurance.  And endurance develops strength of character, and character strengthens our confident hope of salvation.  And this hope will not lead to disappointment. For we know how dearly God loves us, because he has given us the Holy Spirit to fill our hearts with his love."Romans 5:3-5
Labels:

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

March 30th

The last two months of our lives have been a complete whirlwind of emotion, stress, and utter joy!  On March 19th we were able to endure our first IUI, where I laid very similar to Phoebe in Friend's and prayed with my husband that this would be our first and last IUI. We went in with hopeful heart's and praying minds, and knew the lord had a plan. The following weekend we went on vacation to San Diego where I unfortunately began  to believe that our IUI had not worked, and that we were not pregnant. I experienced cramps, was grumpy to my poor family, and walked around feeling like Shamu on the beach. So obviously I wasn't pregnant, right... Fast forward to March 30th, two days before I was technically supposed to test. It was a Wednesday night, a Wednesday night where I  obsessively thought about nothing else but that I wasn't pregnant. I did what any mildly obsessed woman going though infertily treatments would do, and tested. I jumped in the bath and pretended th...
Post a Comment
Read more

To Everything There Is A Season

Ecclesiastes 3:1-15 New International Version (NIV) A Time for Everything 3  There is a time   for everything,      and a season for every activity under the heavens: 2       a time to be born and a time to die,      a time to plant and a time to uproot, 3       a time to kill   and a time to heal,      a time to tear down and a time to build, 4       a time to weep and a time to laugh,      a time to mourn and a time to dance, 5       a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,      a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing, 6       a time to search and a time to give up,      a time to keep and a time to throw away, 7       a time to tear and a time to mend,      a time to be silent  an...
Post a Comment
Read more

Food for Thought

  Nancy Guthrie says it well: “If your faith is real, you will not fall away. Not because you are strong or because your faith is strong but because God has his firm grip on you and he will not let go. You will remain in him because you are his forever.” I often think back to my days in college, and oh my goodness do I sometimes wonder how I survived. I was well a wild one. I lived fully and completely in the world and of the world. I tried very hard to avoid my church home, and all the amazing loving members in it. My days were spent feeling ill from the night before's drinking, and my nights were spent trying to see how much alcohol I could ingest. My heart was anything but guarded, and I sought the attention of every man that would say hi to me. It was a dark and lonely time, and yet here I am.  I survived, and have learned so very much from those days. I look back though and realized that even though I turned my back from The Lord, he never turn...
Post a Comment
Read more